Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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