the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
