I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
