Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
