by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
