I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
