How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
