the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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