her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
