i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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