I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
