I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
