I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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