The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
