It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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