My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I CAN MOONWALK!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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