Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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