Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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