we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The beer is more important than you right now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
