Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
