my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
