I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
