We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
