I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
