Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
