no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
