I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize