i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
