A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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