Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
