well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
