Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
