If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
