She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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