"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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