Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
