hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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