the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize