Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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