I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
