Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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