Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this boner is exhausting
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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