omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
