all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
