sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
