I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
