Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
