i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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