i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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