come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
