im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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