mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
