He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
