i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
