How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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