You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
